I know its cliché to say but it really has been worth every second, despite the tears (from both of us!), sleepless nights and days spent breastfeeding and the lack of alone time, I wouldn't change it for the world. Well, I lie, I would LOVE a decent nights sleep, but more on that later!
With parenting advice being shoved in our faces constantly, I've learnt in this last year to stop second guessing myself. Motherly instinct is real, from the second I held my son in my arms I knew what he needed probably before he knew himself, and definitely before anyone else did!
Along with that instinct came this GUILT that I was not expecting, guilt over every little thing! Guilt for wanting him to sleep, guilt for feeling irritated when he wanted yet another feed just after I put him down, guilt when he cried, guilt when I left him to shower...just guilt guilt guilt! Parenting isn't easy by any means, but I've learnt that we need to give ourselves a break once in a while, for our own sanity and so that we can be the best versions of ourselves for our little bubbas!
I lost a lot of myself this year, and learnt how it feels to truly put someone else's needs before my own without a second thought. I'm starting to come out of the other side of what a friend of mine calls 'The Matrix' of new motherhood, this little bubble of a world that you build around yourself, where it's just easier to stay at home where it's familiar and easier to deal with your new baby, after all, nobody wants to be juggling a crying baby with people staring, right?!
I remember my first trip out shopping alone with Yahya, he was probably around 7/8 weeks old and I thought I'd finally be able to handle it. I figured I'd just feed him a bottle quietly in a corner of Costa and it'd be a doddle! He'd never taken a bottle, I wasn't confident enough to breastfeed in public and I didn't know that most shopping centres have feeding rooms these days. Needless to say, he screamed the place down after half an hour of our arrival, refused to drink anything and I just about managed to rush to the car with him in my arms while simultaneously pushing the buggy before I started crying. I didn't let that put me off though, I knew I needed to get out and about before I lost my mind sitting at home. So the next time, I just made sure I was better prepared, even if it meant I was sat in a feeding room every half an hour!
One year on, things are so much easier, he's eating 'normal' food and zooms around the house like the Energizer Bunny (safety gates will become your best friend!). He gives kisses and cuddles, so it finally feels like my love is being reciprocated. I've been told by practically every mother I know that this is the best stage so to make the most of it before he becomes this terrible monster child once he hits two. I'll update you if this happens, I'm praying not! Positive thinking and all that!
Watching my son, Yahya, grow from a tiny little 6.7lb bundle to an almost-walking one year old astounds me every day. They weren't kidding when they said they grow before your very eyes! Time is flying wayy too fast for my liking and I've made a resolution to sit back and watch my baby with fresh eyes every day, to breathe him in as much as I can before he grows into a surly teenager who refuses to kiss me one day (I hope not!). Whenever things aren't going my way, I remind myself that the early years are so short, a flash in the long run. One day I will be yearning for these simpler times with my little boy. I don't want to wish away these years so I am teaching myself to appreciate every moment.
Subhan Allah what a beautiful post. I am also a new mum. My baby girl is only 6 months and feel like time is flying by b4 my very eyes. May Allah make Yahya the light of your eyes. Ma shaa Allah a beautiful baby boy.
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